Dear Ninja Force,

Lately my boyfriend has been coming home late and his cell phone bill is oddly big. I don’t want to sound like a paranoid girlfriend but I am kind of getting worried he might be cheating on me. I really care about him but don’t know how to approach him. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Haggard in Happy Valley Goose Bay


Dear Haggard,

How to approach him is a tough one. Out the many options you have, we recommend stealthily from behind, perhaps from the roof above or a rafter. Use a kunai or shuriken if you wish to strike from a distance. You can also use a bow if you don’t feel your throwing skills are up to the task. Or, if you prefer a more ‘hands on’ approach, you can’t go wrong with the classic ninjato-katana directly through the heart. It barely leaves him a chance to scream. Once he is dead, you can use his blood! If you feel you need consolation from your recent breakup, Ninja Force will happily pork your grief away.

-Ninja Force



Dear Ninja Force,

I’ve been getting a little bored lately with the same hum-drum wall hangings and pictures I’ve had one the walls for years now. I’d really like to add some spice to my living space. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Gloomy in Gravelbourg

Dear Gloomy,

If forced to fight toe-to-toe with an opponent, it is best to strike quickly and viciously. Let’s face it Gloomy, Hollywood is Hollywood and real fights do not have stylish camera angles, background music (except when fighting in a tea house) or clean up crews. You don’t want your battles to get much beyond your first violent slash, which happens so fast not a drop of blood falls from the bodies as you spin majestically with blade in hand. Also if you get the chance, try to run by your opponents so fast, you seem to appear suddenly next to them. It is a slightly more advanced technique but worth it if you can pull it off. Then, without looking at anyone you have just killed, sheathe your sword as your not-enemies-any-more fall into several pieces. Hope this helps. We’ll also help you get laid (by us) if you’re a hot chick.

-Ninja Force